I just threw up on my dentist
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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