just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
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