Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
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Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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