Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
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Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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