i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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