he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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