if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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