He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
