I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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