i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you win again, gameday.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
