I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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