Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
