dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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