There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
