Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.