Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.