see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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