Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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