WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
