I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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