ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
