I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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