seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
