Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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