I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
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All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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