Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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