apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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