I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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