you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
