I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
