dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
