Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
