Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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