I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize