you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
