she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
