do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
