you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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