If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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