Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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