It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
