I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
