Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
