i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
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i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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