Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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