what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
