Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
