the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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