3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
