Cold hands, warm shart.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
