cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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