please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
