shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
