I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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